A Candid Conversation With Conjoined Couple Statue

Statue Shaadi is a glimpse into the private conversation between a Conjoined Statue of traditional Indian Dulha and Dulhan (groom and bride) right after they get married.

DISCLAIMER : Its 100 % cringe.

theblackbored.com spoke to Mr. and Mrs. Conjoined Statue as they were in the middle of their unique post-wedding photo-shoot by a talented indie photographer.

Nothing gets Indians excited as much as weddings. Unfortunately exciting rituals and excited guests don’t necessarily guarantee exciting gifts for the couple. Here is one such wedding gift couple. After all the wedding day festivities were over they were left on some shelf to cover in dust. But finally those days are over and the future seems less dusty as the Conjoined Statue couple get hitched. Yes, they just got to have their own grand wedding.

Ever since the newly married, old couple tied THE knot, their spirits are all high. And why not? Isn’t getting married the purpose of life in India? 😛 Anyway the two soon-to-be-but-not-as-yet-love birds (it was an arranged marriage, so as is the case they will fall in love eventually over the course of years into their married life. Till then they will pretend to be a match made in heaven. Whatever that means) are looking forward to their married life.

theblackbored.com got a rare opportunity to conduct a freewheeling interview with the Conjoined Statue couple. They welcomed us with their stoney expressions, frozen with calm entitlement. Such level-headedness can only come to the privileged. We caught up with the couple as they were in the middle of their post wedding photo shoot. The chemistry was almost sizzling considering the two don’t even know each other. As is customary in traditional India, they met in the presence of their families, only once before their elaborate wedding. “We just got married and this is our post wedding photo shoot”, says the bride while trying her best to put on a chirpy smile underneath her dark eyes. The darkness could be attributed either to the regular kohl or dark circles. If its the former than its clear that the bride wore one of those non no-smudge kohl. They come quite cheap. She is well aware but tells me its unlikely to be fixed in Photoshop. That’s odd in these days of Instagram filters and re-touch. Does it have anything to do with budget cuts?

As soon as the photographer heard this question he immediately climbed down from his uber cool artsy high horse to interrupt our conversation. ” It doesn’t have anything to do with budget. Its being shot in a candid style”. He made that clear as the camera gently hanged onto his delicate neck with the help of a hipster looking band bought from a Tibetan shop based in Himachal.

“We have been told our photographer is an amateur filmmaker looking to enter Bollywood!”, beams the bride in support of their photographer. The bride is all praise. “Its a matter of honour that he captured our greatest moments with the same DSLR he uses to shoot his award winning short films. We are flattered”. She looks at her groom cutely but he only nods in agreement. Unlike the bride he doesn’t seem to be a patron of great cinematic art. In fact he is slightly concerned about their privacy as their post wedding film features a small bit of their private conversation. [we managed to get the footage of this private conversation for the benefit of our readers].

The photographer chooses a slightly political approach when it comes to privacy. “It might be just a post wedding photo shoot for the world. But for me its art. And there is nothing private about art. There can’t be, as all the great artists are on social media. And thats not private. In fact you are not a real artist if you are not on social media”, he says. Somewhat on similar lines the bride is a bit of a skeptic too about privacy. She rubbishes these concerns as frivolous. “I am very active on Instagram. My whole life is on Instagram. Everybody knows me so well. Unlike my bored guests who attended my lavish wedding and criticised my starters, my followers ardently followed all my wedding rituals live on Instagram. There is no such thing as privacy”.

It might be that her followers know her better than her new husband. What kind of implications does this have on her new married life? For the bride the phone will act as a necessary glue that will keep their married life together, at least for the world it will appear as if they are dedicated to each other and not their internet lives. “What is there to worry? The phone companies want us glued to our phones all day right? We will be together but he will be on his phone and I will be on mine. This way we will mostly mind our own business and won’t fight with each other like any other Indian couple. No fight, no misery, no divorce. Simple”, assures our bride. She is not completely wrong since an ideal Indian couple with traditional values are not supposed to think about divorce. Ever. Marriage is for life. In that case, the couple’s decision to invest in a good phone may just prove to be wise. The groom already busy on his phone nods in agreement.

As the sweaty afternoon gave way to a beautiful evening the photographer started showing signs of uneasiness. We were coming in the way of his carefully crafted cinematic shots. Besides, he was losing his ‘golden hour’. Any photographer worth his or her merit will never miss clicking pictures during the golden hour when the art quotient of a photo automatically ups.

It was time to wrap up, but not before we asked about the couple’s future plans. Sure, there is a honeymoon on cards? “Its mostly garbage”, our bride informs us matter of factly. “We are planning to spend the rest of our lives in a garbage bin”. For the first time the groom gives us a little more than a mere nod in agreement. He says, “Eventually we are going to end up in an environmentally unfriendly dumping ground. Funnily that would prove the hardcore feminists right- who often speak staunchly against traditional Indian values-that life after marriage is indeed a waste“, he guffawed.

This piece was originally published in a Prestigious Literary Review.